Tuesday, December 23, 2014

I'm going to have a Blue Blue Christmas without you.

It's true. This year has been the worst year ever, that i can' remember. In May I would never have thought that this would be my last year to spend with my husband. I think back to all the things that we were able to do together and it seemed that we did it all. We enjoyed being together, not many hours would pass when we were apart that we didn't call each other just to see what or how each others day was going, passing along a thought or something we saw that the other would like. Making plans for a weekend outing. We were weekend warriors i told him. Our last anniversary we spent a whole week at the beach, crabbing, camping going to the pub at the local pitstop in Westport WA. for a pint for me and a pitcher for him. So many lovely things. Only to get a call from work in the afternoon, Thursday Oct 23, saying he was going to the ER with chest pains, there they looked him over and kept him over night to run tests every 4 hours and early Friday morning to do a stress test. Friday morning after doing all the tests and finding nothing and telling him to lower his bp with meds, lower his cholesterol with meds, and he may have just had a touch of acid reflux and told to return to work Monday. So we checked out finished the day relaxing after filling his medication scripts then went home. Saturday we did our usual up early and went garage saleing. it wasn't a bad day with rain but was a bit dreary and sunny. Sunday early morning he woke once again with chest pains and said he thought we had best go back to ER so after dressing we hurriedly drove back to ER and just before getting there he said he was fine and turn round. We only live 2 hours from the hospital so i said no, i will pull over for a second. and just after pulling over he says no, its coming back! So i did a u turn and turned into the ER and got him inside, then while he sat down i told the desk he had just been released and still had chest pains, the said well he will have to come back up here, i told her, he can't stand he is in pain! She only said there's a wheel chair out there. so i got it and he sat down and just as i wheel him up to the desk the receptionist said come back here, she then attempted to take his temp and i said he is cold it wont read, as it was taking longer than usual, just then my husband had a acute cardiac arrest right there infront of me and all things broke lose. Dr.s rushing in but it was to late. My love passed away and I am now living a life of limbo. I have finally figured out it isn't October anymore. Its not November and Thanksgiving has passed and now December is nearly out the door too. Christmas was his favorite time of year, He was the biggest kid even when there were actual kids around. He was always pushing me to open just one early.. just one... so most times i gave in as he was pleading and so proud. How could i say no to a Happy Childman. LOL I will miss him all my life. Its true.. we were one, soul mates, life long loves separated by two countries and had only 12 years to make up the years of not knowing each other. Penpals for a year and a half and then lovers for life. Souls do connect once in a while and I'll be waiting and watching for his signal that he is near. I miss you, my love. Sleep well while you can.

Thursday, May 15, 2014


While craving beef jerky due to this new hi-protein diet, i started searching just what is out there to make into jerky. I found you can use just about any type of meat! So after shopping for the cheapest cut of meat and finding a nice pork hunk, i think its like a carnita or small roast i froze it and thinnest sliced it to dry in my dehydrator. wow.... it turned out so good i may NEVER go back to beef jerky! I am currently looking for a small beef pot roast to repeat and see how i like that! You can use chicken breast, turkey breast, pork and of course the beefy stuff. Just a note. Anything you get pound wise will be only half the amount you start with. so 1lb will only hydrate to 1/2 lb.

Sunday, May 4, 2014

The remains of love lost.

My how things change. Nothing remains the same. Love leaves marks on us that can never be erased. Love and pain go hand in hand. If one loves then one agrees to pain.Who's to say it is worth it. Love is blind to pain and pain is blind to love.